I was talking to a writer friend of mine this evening, and she was saying how a woman in her seventies that she knows (I’m not sure if she would call the woman a friend or an acquaintance; I’m rather inclined to think an acquaintance) who spends her time telling everybody how her husband had robbed her of her self confidence. Or, if she wasn’t telling everybody “her story,” she sat there in a self effaced way, listening but not really joining in.
All the woman’s friends would encourage her to buck up, to cheer up, to believe in herself, but like water off a duck’s back this advice would make no difference.
Why? Because she identified herself as a victim. That was how she saw herself. That was how she defined herself. Whom would she be without the victim identity?
We’ve no doubt all been there, getting sympathy and an audience for the awful things that have happened to us. At such times it’s all too easy to slip permanently into the role of “poor me.” It becomes automatic to complain and feel that life is treating you badly and that it’s all the fault of someone else, but definitely not your fault.
In other words we give our power away.
Unfortunately, the “poor woman” identity, the title she’s given to herself and the role she has adopted, has in many ways been made easier for her to assume because of society’s norms.
Women learn early that they are observed, corrected, appearance-monitored, and socially evaluated earlier and more intensely than men. Such treatment can produce a form of perfectionism, a hyper-awareness, self monitoring and caution before showing up and commanding attention.
We learn to be likeable, to please, to be careful, not to be excessive, whereas boys learn the opposite: to be bold and manly, so for them there’s more tolerance for bluffing, risk taking, improvising, being visibly ambitious. Whereas a woman who shows assertiveness is seen as pushy, aggressive, “too much.” Research shows many women learn to walk a tightrope between being competent and not being threatening.
“Learned helplessness ànd Controllability”, Martin Seligman.
“Self Objectification in Women” Rachel M Cologero S
Why do some men and women use the challenge of being hurt to rise up and show they are worthy and thus build confidence and self esteem? Again, it has a lot to do with social conditioning.
We all deal with trauma in different ways. Some internalize it and others externalize it. Add to that habitual way of coping,
the family who brought you up, your culture, and your life experiences. The result is that some people will find a way of dealing with trauma which will reinforce their sense of worth, while others will believe their experiences reveal their lack of self worth. We are not identical in this respect.
To shut down and say nothing is a form of protection: the less I say the better off I am. With this behavior there is no blame or shame, either for the victim or the executioner. Both are controlling their lives in the best way for themselves as they see it. Is it healthy? No. It’s just the result of social conditioning and lack of awareness.
A victim who has taken on “the victim identity” needs help to see that her husband, or the bullying mother, father or whoever played the role of persecutor, is not the one who decides her self worth. She needs to see that although it may be scary to break with him or her maybe she would be better off without that person in her life. Or at least she needs to build her self worth to be able to create boundaries.
Ultimately we all need to know that we choose how we live our lives: either sleeping awake, or fully conscious.
Nowadays we have advanced exponentially in knowing how the brain functions and how to heal ourselves of our psychological wounds, but it takes courage to put that knowledge into action.
At some point, healing requires giving up the identity of “the injured person.”
That’s not easy, because we have built our identity around it.
To give up the victim identity you need to reach out, to know that you not alone in attracting controlling and sometimes even sadistic people who may use you as a punching bag. There are many people in the world who attract abuse, particularly women.
Letting go of a victim identity would mean taking a risk and taking responsibility for yourself, but remember: nobody can harm you unless you let them.
Working with others that have been through what you’ve been through, learning that you are not alone and that there is a way of living where you experience joy, happiness and self esteem, is possible for you.
With my Elite Forum Membership course I can help you to find the confidence you are lacking and to know your true worth.
Interested in knowing more? Then don’t hesitate to contact me: cherryl@aniane.net. 06 95 28 22 34
Excellent, Cherryl, you've summed up the 'victim' behaviour very well. I think perhaps it's easier to recognise the possibility of that kind of behaviour in ourselves and to extricate ourselves from a troublesome situation than it is to give advice to a friend or acquaintance who seems to have fallen into the trap. If we have the desire and self-confidence we can overcome 'victimhood,' unfortunately for many others a lifetime of criticisms has eroded confidence and dimmed a sense of self and advice from others often seems to fall on deaf ears.
Excellent, Cherryl, you've summed up the 'victim' behaviour very well. I think perhaps it's easier to recognise the possibility of that kind of behaviour in ourselves and to extricate ourselves from a troublesome situation than it is to give advice to a friend or acquaintance who seems to have fallen into the trap. If we have the desire and self-confidence we can overcome 'victimhood,' unfortunately for many others a lifetime of criticisms has eroded confidence and dimmed a sense of self and advice from others often seems to fall on deaf ears.